


they come when i'm asleep

by ariatl



Series: the storyteller and the raven [3]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, this is full on angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 16:49:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ariatl/pseuds/ariatl
Summary: hawke has a mental breakdown after leandra's death





	they come when i'm asleep

The sound of rain echoed through her room's open windows, a soft mist spreading over the glass, covering it in a cold, dense fog, her head bowed as she leaned against the window's frame. Her bed's comforter was loosely wrapped around her shoulders in a futile attempt to keep her warm, but she felt so cold, so empty. A shaky sigh escaped her lips, tinted by the cold air, a trembling hand coming up to brush her sweaty, dark hair from her tired eyes.

_Another night, spent without sleep. Everytime her eyes close, she can feel them, see them -- Mother, Bethany, Father, all smiles and soft words and love, a sick sense of fake comfort spreading over her, but then gone, in the blink of an eye. They always leave without a goodbye -- she never gets to say goodbye. Tears, hot and unwanted, trickle down her eyes as soon as she wakes up with a gasp, too much, too soon -_

"Hawke?" The familiar deep rumble of a voice started softly behind her, laced faintly with sleep but more with worry, but the raven showed no desire to move. Her dark eyes remained locked forward, her jaw setting, stiff, harsh, and her shoulders squared, biting back tears.

Varric paused as he took in the sight of her, the way her body slouched against the frame, her shoulders tensed. His eyebrows raised, concern dancing itself across his face. "Hawke," He repeated himself softly, taking one slow, dragging step towards her, his eyes searching her body for any answer to his movement.

Hawke swallowed thickly, slightly turning her head at the sound, her short dark hair tumbling across her face. "Mady." She whispered, a crack in her voice.

"What?" Varric asked, softly, carefully, stopping just a few steps away from her, his brows furrowed.

"Call me Mady," she breathed, barely turning her body towards him, a plea hidden in her voice. "Please, I can't..." Hawke shakily sighed, tightening the blanket around her body as she sunk down against the door frame, hot tears staining her vision. "I can't be Hawke, anymore." She gasped, covering her face with the blanket.

The dwarf said nothing as she slowly slid down, his eyes scanning her face, the way she visibly broke down at the thought of the word Hawke. Her body language screamed no, for him to not come closer, and he could feel it, despite his body screaming _yes, she needs you, she needs comfort and you need to do better_. He carefully approached her, allowing her a moment to gather herself, and settled himself on the floor across from her, his legs outstretched towards her, his toes nearly grazing the outside of her calf.

She curled forward into her own arms almost immediately as he sat down across from her, knees pulled up to her chest, her whole body rejecting the slightest touch from him, gross, broken sobs gradually dying down as her chest heaved harshly, her whole body trembling, broken gasps for air. Her head tilted up ever so slightly, chin perched against her knees, her piercing green eyes gazing towards him through heavily lidded, tear streaked eyes.

"'m so sorry," She whispered, shaking her head, face scrunching as she started fighting back tears that fought against her, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry... _so sorry..._ "

"There's no need to apologize to me, Mady," the dwarf said softly, holding a hand out towards her, his body frozen as he waited for a sign of approval, anything that said _yes you're allowed to touch me._ "You've done absolutely nothing wrong."

Mady paused as he spoke, her green eyes blurry, her chest frozen in breath. A deep sigh escaped her as she nodded her head ever so slightly at him, allowing him to scoot closer to her and wrap his arm around her shoulder. She desperately leaned into his chest, her back pressed tightly against it, her fingers curling tighter around the blanket as she folded into him.

Varric's arms wrapped tightly around her, leaning his chin against the top of her head. "You're mourning," he murmured, gently shaking one of her hands until it released it's death grip on the blanket. "You've got every right to cry," one hand gently grasped her hand, "and scream, and cry, and yell, and melt," his other hand's fingertips lightly tracing circles into the palm of her hand, "and hate everyone and everything in all of Thedas, including me."

She watched through heavy eyes as his fingertip swirled over her skin, her whole arm tingling from the sensation, and she sighed, deeply, contentedly, almost happily, her body relaxing. _when did i start tensing up i have no idea i didnt know my fingers hurt so much theyre cramping why -_ she took a deep breath, then tilted her head up, finally, really looking at him.

He looked so worried, it broke her heart. "I-I'm just..." Hawke started softly, trying desperately to gather her thoughts, "I... feel..." She shook her head, swallowing thickly. Her brain felt fuzzy. "I don't know," Her voice was heavy with exhaustion, "I can't sleep, and I'm so fucking tired, I could've sworn I saw three of you a minute ago, and I keep thinking of Mom, and I see her in my dreams, and then I see Dad and Beth and then they're gone and I don't get to say goodbye and I always wake up crying, and it's just too much." She said in one short breath, her voice fading in and out in broken intervals as she fought against her own body, wanting to take off and run but _where?_

_where where where where could i go where could i run i dont really know im so tired and my body wants something but i dont know what it wants and i dont know why it wants to run theres no reason to run and im so tired_

Varric's finger slowly traced gentle circles down her arm, up to her shoulder, then to the side of her jaw, soft and sweet and entirely too gentle for him. He listened to her broken rants, watching as she fought against her own brain to form coherent ideas, and he felt his heart break. "I know," he said, "and I know this probably doesn't mean much now, but it'll get better." He paused. "And I know you know this already." He brushed her dark, knotted hair out of her face, shifting himself so that she could get more comfortable on his chest.

She twisted herself until she was facing him, her legs straddling his waist, fingers roughly grasping his shoulders. "I know," she mumbled, her eyes searching his, only to find her sense of quiet for the first time in this whole Maker-forsaken month, her mind clearing as if a heavy fog had just lifted. Her body relaxed, she exhaled softly, her eyes wide as she stared into his, not wanting to look away, not wanting to break this feeling of peace, the only thing her whole being wants.

His hands settled on her waist for a split second before they trailed up her back, gently easing the blanket off from her shoulders. He took it and shook harshly it into the air, allowing it to settle back over her, the black velvet pooling around them.

"Thank you," she said softly, out of breath, her whole body relaxing from the tense mess it was moments ago, her eyes softening. Butterflies fluttered their way through her stomach, her body melting into adoration and appreciation at him. Her eyes spoke the words she wanted to say but couldn't bring herself to.

He smiled, warm and loving and sweet and honey, soft and gentle, his arms wrapping around her as she settled down onto him, relaxing into a more comfortable position, Hawke lounging her limbs across as much of him as possible, starting to fall into the sleep she's greatly missed out on for weeks, now. "Any time." He said, lightly brushing his thumb across her cheek.


End file.
